Don’t know if you know the story of the Cobbler’s Shoes? Basically it’s about a poor old man who works his fingers to the bone making and repairing shoes for the whole of the village (bless him) yet his own family go around shoe-less because he’s so poor and can’t afford to make shoes for them – hmm, he obviously didn’t graduate from business school. Anyway, the reason I bring this old fable to my blog is because, at the moment and metaphorically speaking, Stressed Husband is that cobbler. I’m not saying that me and the kids are running around the streets of W4 with newspapers on our feet – that would be silly – although there are some nice men and women who frequent the local park with cans of Stella who would beg to differ on that one. But, what I mean is that SH is a builder – he builds great, humongous houses, mansions that are fit for fairytale Princesses and we live in…rented accommodation. I know, it would make a much better fairy tale if I said that we lived in an old, dilapidated hovel, but unless you’re Posh Spice, life is not a fairytale. However, that said, our house isn’t what it looks like on the outside (quite pretty) it is in fact, the house that Jack Twat built – and I’m sick of having to call the management agents at least once a fortnight with tales of blown down fences, leaky taps, flicking living room lights, dodgy electrics and kitchen doors that fall off their hinges every time they’re opened! Grrr.
Back to the cobblers…So there was the old man – Mr Choo or Blahnik – working really hard at making beautiful shoes but he just couldn’t finish them and he would go to bed at night worried about this. However, luckily for him, elves would visit at night (as they do) and finish them for him. I suppose the comparison here is that SH panics in the evenings, sleeping restlessly and gibbering in his sleep about ceilings falling down – he even sleepwalks sometimes, with his measuring tape in his hand (no, don’t be rude, that’s not a euphemism!). But, when he wakes up and drives down to his sites, it seems that his elves (mostly of the Polish variety) have actually done a pretty good job and lo and behold, eventually, with the help of his team of elves, stunningly beautiful houses appear!
Unlike the wife in the Cobbler’s Shoes who does a ‘merry jig’ with her husband when she sees the beautiful shoes that the fairies make, I don’t take that much delight in the houses SH makes (I am proud though and think he’s pretty clever). Instead, I grumble and moan about the fact that “You build houses like that for other people, but you can’t/won’t fix the cupboard door!” And now that we are about to complete (on Monday, yay!) on a run down property that we want to make into a lovely, family home, I dread the thought of living like I have in every house we’ve ever owned, among dust and rubble with half finished kitchens and avocado bathroom suites circa 1970. Yum!
Recently, our story, unfortunately, took on a bit of a sinister turn when jealous goblins decided that they would try and spoil SH’s luck and hard work and started a malicious and untrue blog about his company. These goblins, were very sneaky, as SH has been to the police and to various lawyers to try and get this malicious content removed from the internet, but for some reason (to do with freedom of speech, I think) they cannot. And as it is a Google blog, Google’s policy is to let people write whatever they want and never censor anything. Of course, we believe in freedom of speech but it’s pretty damned annoying when it’s nasty nonsense. Luckily for SH, he has enough Knights in Shining Armour (his clients) who have come across this disgusting blog and know that it is complete drivel. Apart from the fact that the naughty goblins can’t spell to save their skanky lives – anyone who knows SH and has read the vitriolic blog says it is quite obviously written by a desperate and pathetic person. Thankfully, SH’s clients know that the work he does speaks volumes and they are always happy to recommend his company, Barrett Horton, to prospective clients. Do those horrid goblins not realise that their evilness can’t take away the truth that the proof is in the pudding (or property)…
And once SH’s company website is up and running (in the next few days) those awful goblins will disappear in a puff of green smoke.
So, wicked goblins be gone and SH get your elves ready to renovate my rickety old shack because I am one fire-breathing dragon you won’t want to cross if I don’t finally get my castle!