Even as a teenager, the ‘blah months’ just before spring had a tendency to send me into daydream overdrive. As the rain plopped against the window during a boring lesson, I’d fantasise about the laughs we’d have playing sports outside on the field instead of being stuck in the sweaty, sock-smelling gym and of the long school summer holidays ahead where I would wow the boy of the moment with my lemon juiced highlights and deep, dark tan which would be acquired using carrot oil (SPF – Sizzle, Peel and Fry) while lying on a sheet of Bacofoil. Nowadays, my daydreaming tastes haven’t actually become any more sophisticated and as I squelch through a rain sodden park, walking the dog, I start to twitch, thinking about how I can get time to fit some TV Prozac into my busy schedule between work and family duties. But I must. Like any addict – and I’m fast becoming one – I need my fix of daydream drama with… ‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’.
With a cup of coffee to warm my hands and a damp dog curling up next to me on the sofa, I take a deep breath and hit the TV control…ahhh. Here it comes…the opening shot of the Californian sunshine – gasp! The gated, luxury community of mansions in Orange County – Oooh! And finally, those glamorous ‘housewives’ hit the screen. Oh look at their tans, their glossy coiffed hair, the diamonds dripping off their fingers, ears, wrists. They have all that and sunshine 365 days a year! So, I sink deeper into the sofa, ignore the rain pelting at the window and the wind howling through the trees outside and immerse myself in my version of ‘The Housewives of W4’…
The day wouldn’t begin with the kids slumping listlessly downstairs looking like something out of Dracula with sallow skin, dark under eye circles and mousey coloured hair, instead they’d be bouncing with vitality – glowing with a light, healthy tan, sun-kissed hair and teeth bright and perfect. They would discuss the cheer leading and baseball tryouts they were going for that day (and they would of course be the best and leaders of the teams) before running out excitedly to the yellow school bus. Then, Instead of traipsing around the cold, wet park, I would snap on Troy’s lead and he would leap into the back of my huge, white gleaming 4×4 (he wouldn’t make me run after him like a donut and then panic as I tried to hike his fat rump into the boot of my clapped out VW.) And we’d set off to the beach, which is, like, totally just 5 minutes away…
At the beach, I would feel great as I park up and spring my size 8 body out of the convertible. Perfect body in the perfect workout clothes – cropped top in tomato coloured lycra showing off taut golden skin and lightly chiselled abs (not a muffin top in sight!) and long, lean legs in cropped black lycra running shorts (what cankles? My ankles are dainty and calves slim and athletic!) My friends would turn up – LLL (long legged Lee) and FFJ (fabulous fit Jilly) and we’d marvel at how much weight each other has lost and how fantastic we all look and then jog, without panting or sweating, along the beach with our obedient dogs. (No, Troy would not stop every minute to sniff another dog’s butt or jump up and knock old people down).
I’d fill the rest of the day ‘working’. That would entail looking really busy (but uber glam, of course) in my large home office with brand new super speedy Apple Mac Laptop that would ensure I never receive emails from Nigerian businessmen who want me to look after their funds or someone who knows how to give me a super sized erection (how is that possible, I’m a woman?!) and before the kids and Stressed Husband get home (by the way, SH would stand for Super Husband because he would love to cook, adore spoiling me with little trinkets like Prada handbags and diamonds and like nothing better than to pour me champagne in the evenings while we sat watching chick flicks and eating chocolate. Oh, don’t worry I have such a fast metabolism, I never put on any weight) I would finish my working day by making a couple of ‘big deals’ and earning commission of around half a mil. On average.
The evening would find us relaxing out in our ‘yard’ which is around a couple of acres of land comprising swimming pool with fun water features and mood lighting, jacuzzi, top of the range barbecue/outdoor cooking area, and entertaining area with colour co-ordinated cushions and table and chairs…
Click…SH’s key is in the door so I jump up, jolted back to reality, switch off the TV and run into the kitchen to bang some pots and pans around in a ‘hard at work’ fashion.
SH: How was your day?
Me: Good. How was yours?
SH: Ok. What have you been up to?
Me: Oh, you know…busy, busy.
SH: Been anywhere today?
Me: Orange County.
Me: Oh never mind…
Well, a girl’s got to dream hasn’t she?