Fight of the Flab…Ding Ding Week One

I can hear what you’re thinking: Not another bloomin’ thing about dieting. I know, I know, I feel your pain – you can’t open a magazine or newspaper these days without coming across a picture of an ever decreasing celebrity. So does that mean all of those “I’m happy to wave the flag for fatties, I love being big and sexy” articles are all a lie? Do those fat-now-skinny celebs believe they were just trying to make big girls feel positive about the wobbly skin they are in? Maybe. Anyway, I’m not having a go about them because I understand what it’s like to be larger than I want to be (slightly overweight on the bmi index – enough for a doctor to have once commented ‘your hip pain would probably be better if you lost a stone’. Grrr) But I also understand how wonderful it is to feel slim-er and that is why, once again, I’m on my annual ‘bikini body diet!’  Let the fight of the flab commence…ding ding, week one!

That's not me, by the way...she's slightly slimmer. *coughs*

So, how did my ‘new-me’ week come about? Well, I jumped (flopped) out of bed, grabbed my muffin top with both hands and twisted it angrily while staring in disgust at my underwear clad body.  This has to go! I shouted in my head while Stressed Husband watched bemused from the bathroom. As if he knew what I was screaming in my head he ‘helpfully’ pointed out that I’d had three children (pah – body snatchers!!) and that – for my age – repeat – for my age – I looked ok. OMG! Luckily it was only a pair of socks I had in my hand and not the kitchen knife because, after those words of wisdom, those socks bounced off SH’s head as aggressively as a pair of fluffy white socks could. Doesn’t he know? Isn’t it in the Marriage Rule Book? Surely, he’s been married long enough to know that uttering the words  ’for your age’ and looking ‘ok’ are tantamount to saying ‘you’re a fat old hag and you look gross!’ Anyway. Once I’d calmed down (48 hours later) I decided I would show SH and really stick to a healthy eating plan (this time) and up my exercise so that by the time we jet off on our hols in 4 weeks time, I hope to look a smidgen better than just ‘ok‘.

So, c’mon flubber – bring on the fight. But be warned – I’ve got a pair of fluffy socks in my hand and I’m not afraid to use them!

Tags: bikini diet, BMI, marriage, muffin top, OMG

Daydreamer

Even as a teenager, the ‘blah months’ just before spring had a tendency to send me into daydream overdrive. As the rain plopped against the window during a boring lesson, I’d fantasise about the laughs we’d have playing sports outside on the field instead of being stuck in the sweaty, sock-smelling gym and of the long school summer holidays ahead where I would wow the boy of the moment with my lemon juiced highlights and deep, dark tan which would be acquired using carrot oil (SPF – Sizzle, Peel and Fry) while lying on a sheet of Bacofoil. Nowadays, my daydreaming tastes haven’t actually become any more sophisticated and as I squelch through a rain sodden park, walking the dog, I start to twitch, thinking about how I can get time to fit some TV Prozac into my busy schedule between work and family duties. But I must. Like any addict – and I’m fast becoming one – I need my fix of daydream drama with… ‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’.

With a cup of coffee to warm my hands and a damp dog curling up next to me on the sofa, I take a deep breath and hit the TV control…ahhh. Here it comes…the opening shot of the Californian sunshine – gasp!  The gated, luxury community of mansions in Orange County – Oooh! And finally, those glamorous ‘housewives’ hit the screen. Oh look at their tans, their glossy coiffed hair, the diamonds dripping off their fingers, ears, wrists. They have all that and sunshine 365 days a year! So, I sink deeper into the sofa, ignore the rain pelting at the window and the wind howling through the trees outside and immerse myself in my version of ‘The Housewives of W4′…

The day wouldn’t begin with the kids slumping listlessly downstairs looking like something out of Dracula with sallow skin, dark under eye circles and mousey coloured hair, instead they’d be bouncing with vitality – glowing with a light, healthy tan, sun-kissed hair and teeth bright and perfect. They would discuss the cheer leading and baseball tryouts they were going for that day (and they would of course be the best and leaders of the teams) before running out excitedly to the yellow school bus. Then, Instead of traipsing around the cold, wet park, I would snap on Troy’s lead and he would leap into the back of my huge, white gleaming 4×4 (he wouldn’t make me run after him like a donut and then panic as I tried to hike his fat rump into the boot of my clapped out VW.) And we’d set off to the beach, which is, like, totally just 5 minutes away…

At the beach, I would feel great as I park up and spring my size 8 body out of the convertible. Perfect body in the perfect workout clothes – cropped top in tomato coloured lycra showing off taut golden skin and lightly chiselled abs (not a muffin top in sight!) and long, lean legs in cropped black lycra running shorts (what cankles? My ankles are dainty and calves slim and athletic!) My friends would turn up – LLL (long legged Lee) and FFJ (fabulous fit Jilly) and we’d marvel at how much weight each other has lost and how fantastic we all look and then jog, without panting or sweating, along the beach with our obedient dogs. (No, Troy would not stop every minute to sniff another dog’s butt or jump up and knock old people down).

I’d fill the rest of the day ‘working’. That would entail looking really busy (but uber glam, of course) in my large home office with brand new super speedy Apple Mac Laptop that would ensure I never receive emails from Nigerian businessmen who want me to look after their funds or someone who knows how to give me a super sized erection (how is that possible, I’m a woman?!) and before the kids and Stressed Husband get home (by the way, SH would stand for Super Husband because he would love to cook, adore spoiling me with little trinkets like Prada handbags and diamonds and like nothing better than to pour me champagne in the evenings while we sat watching chick flicks and eating chocolate. Oh, don’t worry I have such a fast metabolism, I never put on any weight) I would finish my working day by making a couple of ‘big deals’ and earning commission of around half a mil. On average.

The evening would find us relaxing out in our ‘yard’ which is around a couple of acres of land comprising swimming pool with fun water features and mood lighting, jacuzzi, top of the range barbecue/outdoor cooking area, and entertaining area with colour co-ordinated cushions and table and chairs…

Click…SH’s key is in the door so I jump up, jolted back to reality, switch off the TV and run into the kitchen to bang some pots and pans around in a  ’hard at work’ fashion.

SH: How was your day?

Me: Good. How was yours?

SH: Ok. What have you been up to?

Me: Oh, you know…busy, busy.

SH: Been anywhere today?

Me: Orange County.

SH: What?

Me: Oh never mind…

Well, a girl’s got to dream hasn’t she?

Tags: Adele, cankles, daydream, Prada, prozac, Real Housewives of Orange County, VW

The Bank of Mum and Dad

Scrabbling my hand through my coat pocket this morning I laid out my findings on the kitchen worktop. There was:  a few crumbly, smelly liver dog treats, a single key, hair band complete with a tangled up knot of hair, doggy poo bag (not used!) and a lip balm with dog treat crumbs stuck to the lid. Wow. If that’s my pocket, I’m not going anywhere near my handbag without an extra large tub of hand sanitiser. What does that eclectic display on the kitchen worktop say about me? I love my dog? Yes. I’m messy? Yes. My hair is falling out? Well, a bit, yeah. I like soft lips with crumbs on them? Yes… and no. But what I think it mostly says is: “I’m bloody poor because I have no money in my pocket and every bloody penny I have goes to my three children!”

Being one of the directors at the Bank of Mum and Dad, then shouldn’t I jump on the bandwagon and join the rest of those shameful bankers by giving myself a blooming big bonus? I wished. But the Bank of Mum and Dad doesn’t work that way it works like this:

* Stressed Husband works very hard and gets very stressed and puts money in the B of M and D.

* I work very hard looking after the children, feed them and the husband and try to look after the house (badly as you may remember). I also do a bit of freelancing work and that money goes into the B of M and D.

* Mean Teen: I’ve got a really important audition at college next week and my only leotard is rank. It’s fraying and all the other girls wear really funky ones that make them stand out…that’s how you get good parts, if you look good. Sooo, basically, if you get me a couple of new leotards…and maybe some new jazz shoes and stuff, mummy, I promise I’ll pay you back by looking after Little Angel or walking Troy or any other chores.  Ker-ching!

*Little Angel: I’ve got 100 merits at school now mummy! And I’m doing so well in the dance rehearsals and my teacher gave me a commendation for my last essay…do you remember when Mean Teen did really well and you gave her some money because you were so proud that she’d worked so hard? Ker-ching!

*My Boy: Alright mum? It must be hard for you and dad paying out for Mean Teen and Little Angel’s school fees…lucky I go State school innit? Bet I save you loadsa dosh…Muuum? There’s a group of us that want to go (insert festival, club, gig, shopping mall etc….) but I can’t really afford it on my pocket money. Ker-ching!

And, even though Mean Teen contributes now and then when she has part-time jobs (by paying towards her own non-stop social life, sushi, extra large Chai Tea Lattes and spray tans) that’s just a little snippet of what might might happen at the B of M and D on a usual day. There are many, many more ker-ching moments throughout the week, but what makes me laugh (else I’d go mad), is when I try to actually use the B of M and D myself the cash point  usually says No.

Cash point says Noooooo

Me: My hair’s a mess – I’m going to have to have it cut and coloured.

SH: Why don’t you dye it yourself and save some money?

Me: Do you remember how I walked around with 3 inch orange roots and white frizzy ends last time I tried to dye it myself?

SH: I thought it looked nice.

Me: Yes, for a stint on the Jeremy Kyle show!

Then I start to play the fantasy game of What would we do with the money we would have if we didn’t have children? which goes like this:

Me: Just imagine if I’d decided to stay in my career and worked my way to the top without having children. And you carried on building up your company the way you have – with our salaries combined we could travel all over the world and buy whatever we wanted. I could shop in Bond Street, have a cook, botox and a bum lift!

SH: And I’d have my suits made on Saville Row, drive a Bentley and hire a personal trainer….Where are the kids anyway?

Me: At sleepovers.

SH: It’s quiet without them isn’t it?

Me: Yeah.

SH: I don’t like it when they’re not here. Do you?

Me: No. I hate it.

Deadly quiet pause…

SH: So…go on, have your hair done, it’ll cheer you up.

Me: (smiling to myself) I’ll just have half a head of highlights, it’s cheaper than a full head. Ker-ching!

Tags: Bank of Mum and Dad, Bond Street, empty pocket, highlights, Home, Jeremy Kyle, Parent

Beauty for Lazy Cows…Like Me (Part 2)

Photo: 1000funnypictures.com

Hit that snooze button ladies and have a few more zzzz’s because these little beauties are the lazy girls best friend…

Swift lips: I am such a slob that nowadays I rarely apply ‘real’ lipstick because precise application takes a bit of time and effort – unless you don’t mind looking like Baby Jane or a weird old bag lady.

I prefer the easy option (no kidding?) of a slick of gloss, lip balm or my new favourite lip pencils which shape and colour in one. Clinique Chubby Stick Moisturising Colour Balm,£16, with lip softening ingredients is my must-have. It comes in a wearable range of colours and is such a breeze to use, it’s right up Lazy Lane.

Hurry up Hair: Remember the days of sprinkling talc along your roots before the school bell rang to try and mop up the grease? You  might have got away with it if you were very blonde, but for the darker haired among us, it didn’t matter how much you rubbed at your hair, you still looked like you dipped your head in a bag of flour or walked through cobwebs on your way to school. But nowadays there’s a whole host of spray in hair refreshers for all shades and they do the trick of hiding unwashed hair perfectly. I’ve tried them all but my absolute number one is Batiste Dry Shampoo, from £1.52. I have one in every room of the house, for my like-minded, lazy kids. I love that it also gives your hair a bit of body and smells great too.

Over my past 2 blog posts, I’ve uncovered my top products to get you looking fit fast, but I didn’t want to leave out those fabulous finds that may take a while to achieve results but which, in the long run, are big beauty time savers, so here they are:

Super Shellac: This is a god-send for those of us who are crap at keeping our nails looking groomed but want them to look like as if we bother enough to care (Friend: “ooh, your nails are lovely, you must spend ages on them?” You: Swish your hair back and sniff “Erm, no, not really”) A fortnightly visit to the beauty salon will ensure that for the next couple of weeks you can forget about your nails because this gel based polish treatment, around £20, will keep them chip free and gloriously shiny.

Hair Away: I think waxing is great because, eventually, hair growth slows down and you need it done less and less, thus saving time in the long run. But, I never get around to making the waxing appointment (I’m a chicken) so I really like Veet Minimising Body Moisturiser, £5.25, which keeps skin hydrated and slows down hair growth.

So, there you have it – there really is no excuse for looking dishevelled and less than gorgeous if you know which products can get you from drab to fab in the morning. Go get ‘em girls!

Tags: Baby Jane, beauty, Clinique, Cosmetics, Hair, Health, Human hair growth, Lip balm, lips, Shellac, Shopping

Beauty for Lazy Cows…Like Me. Part 1

When I was young (I’m beginning to sound more like my old nan every day) I used to jump out of bed, have a shower, comb my hair, slap on a bit of makeup and be ready for the day ahead – looking good. Nowadays, if I try that nonchalant routine, I look baaaaad (and that’s not teen slang for looking good. I look terrible.) I just can’t pull off the fresh faced, 5 minute beauty routine anymore – it takes time for the pillow creases down the side of my face to re-plump and the hoods of slack skin over my eyes to lift a little – before I can see properly, yet alone step foot outside the front door without scaring the neighbours. And talking of the neighbours, I don’t want to add to the horror they must already go through with Mean Teen belting out  Broadway show tunes at all hours, My Boy rolling in with hoards of drunken friends in the early hours and Little Angel’s tap dancing practice. Could be worse I tell them when apologising for the noise… I could play the drums.  They don’t laugh much.

Anyway, back to beauty regimes. There’s no getting away from it, we have to have one and if you’re anything like me (lazy) it has to be snappy, easy and effective. I know the eternally youthful and glamorous Joan Collins would recoil in horror at what I’m going to say next, but ladies, there are short cuts and time saving tricks to looking good thanks to the plethora of quick fix products now available. Follow these tips and you’ll be looking fit in a flash (well, put it this way, you won’t scare the neighbours anymore.)

Colour up: There is no excuse to go out of the door with the complexion of a corpse. Farrow and Ball might come up with all kinds of trendy ways of saying ‘white with a hint of grey’ (ie, Elephant’s Breath!) but at the end of the day, it’s a shade that I’m contemplating for my new kitchen, but not my face. So, for clever coverage with colour it’s worth investing in one of the handy new BB creams that are all the rage. BB cream stands for blemish balm and claims to be a moisturiser, sun-block, foundation and primer in one.  Developed by a German dermatologist to calm and improve the look of patients’ red, uneven skin after more aggressive treatments like facial peels, they’re big news and available in most major beauty brands. My favourite, Garnier’s BB Cream, is also one of the less expensive.

The best BB

Blushing Babe: If you’ve never hit it off with blusher then it’s time to give it another try – a little pop of colour on the cheeks can really lift your look, making you look fresher, younger and more awake. If you’re over 40, your skin will probably be more suited to a cream or gel blusher that will give the skin a sheer wash of a tint rather than a powder that will further dry the complexion and settle in lines and wrinkles. New formulas like the Clarins Instant Light Blush, £19 or YSL’s gorgeous (and expensive) Voile de Blush, £28,
only take a few seconds to apply –  and they’re foolproof so you won’t wind up looking like Aunt Sally…

Aunt Sally...step away from the blusher!

Eyes Open Wide: Ok, take a deep breath because here’s a reality check that you probably knew but didn’t want to be told: As we age, our lashes get sparser and lose their pigment and so our eyes are less defined. Add to this happy fact, that they’re also just not as sparkly as they used to be, then, without a little bit of makeup, first thing in the morning you (and me) probably look a little bit like a mole.  Remember, don’t listen to our Joanie, it doesn’t take hours of makeup trickery and set upon set of spidery false lashes just to make your eyes look fairly decent. One of the best – and quickest – ways I’ve found of adding some oomph is to line eyes with a soft mid/dark brown pencil liner close to the top and bottom lashes, then smudge. I stumbled upon this clever eye opener when I was a beauty journalist and had to do an early morning shoot with a model who turned up hungover and bleary eyed. The makeup artist worked wonders with a little bottle of Optrex and a brown pencil. My makeup tool of choice is The Body Shop Carbon Eye Definer, £9, that has a nifty little rubber at the end for softening the liner.  Finish off with a sweep or two of your favourite mascara and in the blink of an eye, you’ll have peepers that Joanie would be proud of.

Beauty Legend...she's not a lazy cow like me!

Tags: Aunt Sally, BB Cream, beauty, Clarins, Cosmetics, Farrow and Ball, Garnier, Joan Collins, The Body Shop, YSL

Bring on the Beards!

Bad beard behaviour?

I used to think that beards were like Marmite – you either love them or hate them (I’m talking bearded men here, not women – a beardy bird is never a good look). I hated them, but as I’ve got older, I’m not so sure… You might think, “oh yes, because she saw Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean

Ooh Captain!

or gorgeous Jude Law looking fit with his fabulous fuzz”  Well, yeah, true.  But what really changed my mind was that Stressed Husband grew a beard last year and I surprised myself by thinking it was rather dashing and macho looking! At first, I was like, ooh, you look scruffy and hungover – shave it. But by the time it grew past the baby beard stage and fermented into fully grown foliage I was a firm fan of the facial fluff!  He shaved it off a few months later, but it was fun while it lasted.

So, when SH announced this morning that he was going beardy again, I was quite pleased and it got me thinking… is he going back to cavemen days and getting hairy to keep warm in this harsh weather? Or, maybe he’s taken a look at the Spring/Summer 2012 Men’s Catwalk looks and decided to get ‘with it’?  Take a look at this bevvy of beards in latest fashion campaigns. It looks like beards are having a moment…

Photo: French Connection

Photo: Urban Outfitters

And the new Gillette campaign features three A list handsome hairy men: Andre 3000, Adrien Brody and Gael Garcia Bernal in various states of beardiness, which according to their spokesperson indicates that today’s man isn’t just hairy – or not – he wants to be able to experiment with different looks.

Stroke my face

Photo: Gillette

I asked the kids what they thought about daddy with a beard:

“It’s nice but scratchy” smiled Little Angel,

“I like it, it’s cool – even though he looks a bit like a strict teacher”  Laughed Mean Teen

“He looks like a sad old perv”  Smirked My Boy. So, there you have it. Beards – you either love ‘em or hate ‘em.  What do you think?

Tags: Adrien Brody, Beard, Facial hair, Gael García Bernal, Gillette, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Marmite, Pirates of the Caribbean

I’m Just a V.Desperate Housewife

Wonder Woman

Let’s set the scene: Your husband has invited you to a work do and you will be meeting his clients and some of his new work colleagues, so you slip on some hold-you-in undies, dust the cobwebs off your most flattering ‘going out’ ensemble, add a touch of lippie and mascara and you’re set. You might chuck a swift glass of Sauvignon down your neck before the cab arrives to steady your nerves (well, you’ll be meeting people other than your usual school run mums and Mrs Patel in the post office and will need to speak ‘real person’ not just ‘mum’ language). In the cab your husband says you look lovely and you begin to look forward to the evening ahead.

Fast forward an hour into the work party:  You’re talking to a smartly dressed young man/woman who you’ve just been introduced to and they tell you all about the contract your husband is working on with them and then comes the inevitable question”…and so, what do you do?”  Erm…do you say “I’m a housewife” in a strong, confident, manner and hope you’re coming across all cool Betty in Mad Men (oh, if only!) or do you say “I used to be a ……(add old profession before kids) but I’m at home with the kids now? Either way, unless husband’s work colleague is very polite, you might notice their eyes glaze over before they rush away pretending they’ve got to say ‘hi’ to somebody (more interesting and important) who has just arrived.

Happy Housewife?

Sadly, it is due to such scenes over the last decade or so, that has given rise to a flurry of alternative names other than housewife, such as the Home Life Co-Ordinator or Domestic Operations Manager. Big LOL. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, anybody who doesn’t ‘big up’ those of us bringing up the kids and running the home doesn’t deserve your precious time anyway. And I’m shouting out for all women out there – working mums, stay at home mums and all of the in between mums and domestic dads; there’s nothing belittling about being great at keeping the house spic and span and the husband/wife and kids well fed and happy.  And I’m getting on my high horse about this because? Well, because…I’m a crap housewife!

I want to be a domestic goddess and I read all the great blogs and articles on how to be one, but if  you’re not born with the gene of domesticity then you’re buggered with a broom (omg, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean literally, it isn’t some awful punishment for being a untidy – it means you don’t know how to use one)! I know this is true because I have friends and family members who know what to do with a steam cleaner – and actually use it. They clean their skirting boards with warm, soapy water, make apple turnover bed sheets, cook wholesome meals for 5 and freeze (and label) the leftovers. They have small animals (dogs and kids) in their house and it’s still tidy and smells of lemons when you turn up unexpectedly. See? I’m convinced you can’t just do that, you have to have the gene.

One good thing about Stressed Husband is (of course he has more than one good thing, but this is a specially good thing) he always claimed he knew I’d never be a typical housewife. He said he was alerted to this fact the day he stepped into the bedroom I shared with my sister and balked at the piles of clothes strewn across the floor and shoved into my wardrobe and the heaps of books and makeup that made a mountain under which hid my bed. Luckily for me, he had almost brought himself up as a boy, so he knew how to iron, cook and tidy up. In those days (I think because I was young and firm of flesh) he thought my slovenly ways were cute and ditsy and so I carried on I turning his white shirts pink, losing important letters, keys, money and burning his beans on toast.  Nowadays, after almost 19 years of marriage, I think he’s beginning to tire of it though because he was so delighted when Mean Teen bought me this book for Christmas…

I must read this

It’s a brilliant (I’ve read the reviews) little gem with lots of time saving tips on how to get your home sparkling clean and tidy with minimum effort. I’ve been a bit busy to read it yet, but it makes a great platform on which to rest my coffee cup. Well, what can I say? It’s not my fault – I haven’t got the gene!

Tags: Betty, Christmas, Desperate Housewives, family, Home, Housewife, Mad Men, Mothers, Parenting, Shopping, Stay at Home Mums, Working Mums

Fake Yourself 5 Years Younger – Part 2

Photo: Getty

And So…Carrying on from Part 1 where I wrote about trying to outwit those beauty bloopers intent on giving our age away, I have another couple of tried and tested tricks you might like to know about…

Dot Cotton Lips. It’s a fact that as we get older our lips get thinner – and isn’t that sod’s law considering everything else we want to be thin gets fatter? It’s not fair and it’s not a good look, especially when they’re puckered too. And by that I don’t mean in a good way like ready for a snog, I mean thin crevices begin form and fray the once distinct and youthful lip line so it resembles a cat’s bum. Again, smoking is the main culprit here and if you do just one thing to towards keeping age at bay, it’s quitting the evil weed. Here’s the evidence in this pic…

TRICK: Get colour crafty and wear a shade that will give your lips a little puff of magic. Nude colours: peachy pinks and soft caramels, are much more flattering than dark or ultra bright shades on lips (and they make the teeth appear whiter too). Go for a sheer gloss or moisturising stain rather than a heavily pigmented lipstick which will stick to those unwanted lines like a fly to poo. A brilliant little must-have for your makeup bag is  Daniel Sandler’s Magic Wand, £10.50. Daniel, make up artist to the stars, developed this creamy/waxy pencil to fill in and smooth the surface of the lips so that lipstick keeps from bleeding.

Not saying you’ll get Angelina Jolie lips without visiting the surgeon but you can try Skin Doctor Instant Effect Perfect Pout, which has got some rave reviews and promises to give you a plumper, rosier kisser…it’s on my list!

Farrowed Forehead: All that serious contemplation throughout life might give us wisdom, but it also slaps blooming great rivers of wrinkles on the forehead! There’s no getting away from this one apart from succumbing to the needle but there’s a cunning little trick you might like to try…

TRICK: Botox Bangs! Sorry that I called a fringe ‘bangs’ but it alliterates really well with botox doesn’t it? Plus, in my house, due to watching Disney Channel and Nickelodeon, my Little Angel has become American through osmosis and didn’t even know what a ‘fringe’ was! To her, it’s bangs. And, according to my hairdresser, Vicky, cutting in bangs – or fringe – is a great way to freshen up your style and can make you look years younger. Unless you are ‘on trend’ to the nth degree, or under 30, you won’t be able to pull off a heavy fringe, so keep it soft and feathery like these in-the-know celebs of a certain age…

She bangs!

Photo:thebeautyboxsalon.com

Flirty fringe

But before you bite the bullet and go for a fringe, you could try a clip in fringe extension first.

Of course, there are lots of other signs of ageing that we can try to improve/hide if we have the time, money, effort or inclination. But, and here’s the biggie, don’t try too hard because it can draw unwanted attention to your flaws…

Photo: gofugyourself.com

Here’s Madonna, gorgeous in her fifties, but what did she say to herself before she left the house wearing this ensemble? Slinky dress? Check. Fishnets to show off slender legs? Check. Immaculate hair and makeup? Check. Oh, and leather fingerless gloves that look completely ridiculous with the rest of my outfit and draw attention to the fact that I’ve got old, wrinkly hands that I want to cover up. C-H-E-C-K!

And if you’ve tried it all but still hate what you see in the mirror, take two of these and check your reflection in a couple of hours – you’ll soon be looking a-m-a-z-i-n-g!

Cheers beautiful!

Tags: Angelina Jolie, beauty, Cosmetics, Disney Channel, Madonna, Nickelodeon, Wrinkle

Fake Yourself 5 Years Younger – Part 1

Another wrinkle? Noooooooo!

Photo: bbc.co.uk

On days (like every day) when I wake up, look in the mirror and gasp with horror at the arrival of another wrinkle around the eyes, another crinkle on the decolletage and further sagging of the skin, I imagine what the likes of eternally youthful beauties like  Jennifer Aniston or Heidi Klum would do? Would they do what I feel like doing – smack the mirror (hurt my hand) and go online to find a burka and balaclava ensemble to hide my hideousness away? Oh no, their perfect little digits would tap on their ‘cells’ to their team of make-up artists, facialists, cosmetic surgeons…or, looking at how they actually seem to be ageing backwards, perhaps it’s the embalmer they’ve got on speed dial?

But let’s not get bitter (God, I hate them!) Imagine how lovely it would be to have access to their beauty experts (and their bank accounts) but I haven’t and I haven’t yet found the shade of balaclava and burka that is me and so, this is how I cope with the bits I don’t like…Part 1*

1. Crinkly Decolletage – the posh, French word for chest sounds so much prettier, but French or English, it doesn’t stop it from looking crepey and sun damaged. What you can do to keep it looking smooth and youthful for as long as possible is to stay out of the sun (boring), cover it up (I’m not a nun) or smother it with factor 30 plus at all times. I do use a high SPF when my chest is on show and that’s probably saved me from some damage, but old Mother Nature (yeah, she’s a right mother *&!!*$) will eventually catch up with you (unless you’re Jen or Heids, of course) and crinkles will come whether you like it or not.

TRICK: Whatever the weather, a scarf knotted around the neck is a godsend, it looks stylish, can make a boring outfit pop and keeps your chest casually covered. Like so…

photo: socalfashionupdates.onsugar.com 

Another way of avoiding a tram lines on the chest is to avoid sleeping on your side or stomach as your boobs will flop/scrunch together (nice) and cause the flesh to crease. I’ve tried this but find it too difficult as lying on my front is my cosiest sleeping position, so I may have to invest in one of these Decolletage Pads which were invented by a Hollywood Makeup Artist…I’ll let you know how I get on.

2. Crow’s Feet – As the skin around the eyes is so delicate, it’s one of the first areas to show signs of ageing and aside from never venturing outside the door – ever – there’s no way to prevent them. Of course, there are ways of improving them or keeping them at bay as best you can and that’s by drinking plenty of water to keep the skin hydrated and to use a good eye cream. Oh yes, and most importantly, don’t smoke! Puffing away on a fag will reduce collagen so skin loses its elasticity as well as depleting your Vitamin C levels.  Beware…

Give up!

I love Liz Earle’s Superskin Eye & Lip Treatment, £26.50 because its naturally active ingredients such as West African shea butter, cranberry, rosehip and borage seed oils to leave the eye contours looking and feeling plumper, hydrated and brighter.

TRICK: This is one I nicked off those celebrities in the know and it works! You can’t beat a large pair of shades. Not only do they look cool and stylish and hide a multitude of ugliness like crow’s feet, bags, hungover blood shot eyes, but they protect the skin from the elements, preventing further damage. Gotta love those sunnies

Photo: People.com

For an evening, you can’t really wear your sunglasses inside unless a) you want to look like a tit or b) you’re Frankie Cocozza in cbb (in which case you are pulling off both a and b). So, I would suggest that before your foundation, you dab on a little ‘filler’ like L’Oreal Paris Studio Secrets Smoothing Resurfacing Primer, £14.29 with silicone oil which smooths and softens lines.

*PART 2 to follow soon!

Tags: beauty, Cleavage (breasts), Cosmetics, decolletage, Frankie Cocozza, Health, Heidi Klum, Jennifer Aniston, Mother Nature, Skin, smoking, Sunglasses, wrinkles

The Power of Pilates

Hey You Over There, Check out my Great Ass!

Last summer, everybody was going gaga about Pippa’s pert posterior at The Royal Wedding. Even my Pilates teacher had a newspaper cutting of Pippa’s butt (in clothes, obviously) on the wall of her studio. I think she was trying to motivate us, but looking at Pip’s buns of steel compared to my flabby muffins of misery, I gathered it would take a lot more than Pilates to lift my derriere. In fact a fork lift would have more of a chance.

However one year on…and no, I’m not going to tell you that after persevering with two Pilates classes a week for a year, I can now confidently walk – wobble free – down the beach in a thong. Couldn’t and wouldn’t (take note Peter Stringfellow!) but (and it’s – still – a rather big BUTT ) Pilates has definitely made a difference to my muscle tone all over – even if just a bit. I can notice that my tummy is tauter, the muscles in my legs look longer (if encased by a layer of cellulite that refuses to shift) and my bum is an eensy weensy bit peachier.

I used to think Pilates was a ‘soft option’ type of exercise, a bit airy fairy with lots of easy stretching, so a good option for the less fit. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Anny, our elfin, 40 something (with a 20 something body) Pilates teacher has taught Pilates to many big, burly athletes as well as professional dancers and in fact, the founder of Pilates, Joseph Pilates was a German boxer and gymnast who developed the exercise technique from that background. Concentrating on strengthening ‘the core’ muscles, it improves posture by mobilising the spine, teaches proper breath control and builds flexibility.You also become more aware of your body in everyday life; how you sit, stand and walk. And after a few months of classes, you suddenly realise why you might be getting those back pains and stiff hips and Pilates can help you improve those niggly areas.

So, all in all Pilates is a great body firming exercise with the added benefit of improving your posture (and just standing up straight can make you look half a stone lighter.) For us ladies post baby, it’s also important to mention how good Pilates is for strengthening the pelvic floor muscles – you might not be able to get a job popping out ping pong balls in Thailand, but you’ll be able to have a bounce on your child’s trampoline after a few glasses of wine without pretending that puddle is from your spilt wine!

NB: If you’re thinking of giving Pilates a chance, enrol in a local class or take a look at Pilates on the Go the new book by Pippa’s Pilates teacher, Margot Campbell. Go on, your bum will thank you for it!

Tags: Fitness, Health, Joseph Pilate, Margot Campbell, Muscle, pelvic floor exercises, Peter Stringfellow, Pilates, Pippa Middleton, Royal Wedding, Thailand